Marital Wisdoms

I sent an email to a friend having some troubles, and I thought maybe I should post it on here. I know I haven't been married that long (3 years) but I've learned so very much that I'd thought I'd share. Then maybe someone can learn through my mistakes instead of the hard way. I'm not perfect at these, but I try and that's what counts.

· Gratitude for what he did do goes much farther than bringing up what he didn’t.

When Trevor and I were engaged, I heard over and over again that the first year is training for the rest of your life. So, I got in ‘training mode’ once we were married. If Trevor did the dishes, I thought I’d train him by asking him why he didn’t sweep the floor too. That way, next time, the whole kitchen would get clean. Right? Wrong. There wouldn’t be a next time. Do you know why? Because by pointing out what wasn’t done I was sending the message that what he actually did do wasn’t good enough. After months of sending the message that everything he did wasn’t ever good enough, he quit trying altogether. He didn’t just quit trying to do chores, he quit trying to please me and quit trying to be married. I don’t blame him. I’d quit too if I never felt good enough for him. I found that when he’d do the dishes, instead of noticing the floor, I’d think “Wow! He did the dishes! That’s one more thing I don’t have to do. Now all I have to do is sweep! He saved me so much time!” And I’d thank him for those dishes so sincerely, because he really did help. After that, I had a much happier husband (and marriage) and a much cleaner house. He wants to please me (and your husband wants to please you!) but it’s awfully hard if he never sees me pleased and doesn’t know how to do it. When you go to bed at night, try thanking him for everything he’s done that day. He’ll love it, and you’ll love him more.

· Don’t change him

This is a sore subject for me. I get really annoyed at my gender over this. So, please don’t take this as any sort of personal attack because I’m speaking in generals here. Generally, I see so many women date and enjoy their men but the second they get their claws into him and get that commitment, they go about trying to change him (I was guilty too!). Things once found endearing suddenly become enraging. And he needs to change that now! The poor fella! Once again, we send the message that he isn’t good enough. I’ve learned men are, for the most part, pretty straight forward. They aren’t nearly as complicated as we are. They come as they are. There is no pretense. That was good enough when you’re dating, but suddenly it’s wrong once married? I realized that I chose him. And when I chose him, he was absolutely wonderful. We got those rings on our fingers, and guess what? He still is wonderful! Trevor showed me who he is, take it or leave it, and I took it. I should like it. I should like him! When I stopped trying to change him (like making him sweep the floor), it was so much easier for our love to grow and flourish. Laugh at his little quirks. Don’t change them. Laugh that he can be “such a guy.”It’s ok for him to be. He is so absolutely wonderful just the way his is. Even if he might be stubborn, or not rinse the toothpaste out of the sink, or leave his socks on the floor. I think those are the things I would miss if he were gone. I love him because of those things. Not in spite of them. Embrace him, completely embrace and accept and cherish every little thing about him. You might be surprised how much he’ll change for the better on his own.

· It’s the little things

Remembering that he likes raspberry jam more than strawberry, prefers the toilet paper to be over and not under, or that he likes his clothes hung in order of button ups, polos, and t-shirts might be silly to me and don’t take much extra time to do, but it can mean a lot to him. A little can go a long way. When I know he’s had an especially hard day, making his favorite dinner or desert or rubbing his feet, or even just letting him relax without me for at least 20 minutes also goes a very long way with him. Even if I’ve had a long and hard day, it makes mine better to make his better.

· It takes two to tango. Marriage is never just one.

Blame is so very easy to place, but if you look closer, you’re both probably wrong in some way. Sure, his wrong might be much more blatant, but you might’ve done some subtle wrongs. For instance, lets say a husband has an affair. Of course that is wrong! But where is the wife’s fault in this situation? Perhaps she constantly sent the message that he wasn’t good enough. She never stopped nagging him. She neglected his needs and didn’t try to make him happy. The kids left her feeling so drained at the end of the day, that she didn’t have time for him or his needs. He just felt like that “one more thing” on her list. Not her prince charming, but her chore. He goes to work day in and day out and comes home to a grumpy unfulfilling relationship. Just to wake up and do it all over again. Then there’s this secretary (I know, cliché, but work with me here) who laughs at his jokes, appreciates how hard he works, and finds him valuable. It’s just an innocent friendship at first, but the more he does his daily grind, the more attractive this friendship becomes. He’s been lonely for years, but now he has someone to talk to, who will take the time to listen to him. At some point, that friendship develops into something more. Of course it should’ve never happened, but maybe if his wife took the time to listen to him, laugh at his jokes, saved some energy for him, appreciated his hard work, and left him feeling generally fulfilled, he’d stay loyal to her for as long as he lives. What he did was wrong, but what she did was too. I know that particular example doesn’t apply to you (and I pray it never will!) but all I’m saying is, try not to place blame, and focus on the little things you do. It could prevent little things from developing into big things.

· It’s easy to find faults and shortcomings.

Don’t point them out. And don’t focus on them. Period. Have an attitude of gratitude and it’ll be much easier to overlook those things. You wouldn’t want him to point yours out, so do the same for him.

· Date. Date. Date. Date. Date! Again I say date!

Be his sweetheart. Feel like you’re 16 again. Flirt. By all means flirt! Try to go on a date once a week, but at the very least, twice a month. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. Just set aside special time for each other. Every Wednesday night, Trevor and I take the trash out to the curb. Romantic huh? Ha ha. It really is. We hold hands and talk and look at the stars. Once we get it to the curb, we walk around our yard or lay in the grass and just be together while our kids snooze inside. It doesn’t cost us anything, but I look forward to Wednesday nights more than anything! (Don’t worry, we do go on real dates too). All I’m saying is take time to be a couple. Especially once you have kids. You gotta be able to switch from mommy to sweetheart again. He needs that and so do I.

I hear from couples that “We got married too fast. We didn’t take the time to get to know each other.” That may be true, but it’s not too late. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you can’t date and get to know each other better. Connect and reconnect all over again. Plan some dates and ask him out. It’ll take some of the pressure off him too.

· Never, Never, NEVER participate in “bitchfests.”

Please excuse my language, but if you participate in those, what do you think you become? A b****! These might seem harmless but they are more harmful than you might realize. These fests only make you focus on the negative traits your husband might have. It puts you in a foul mood. When he does something that bugs you (and now you’re more likely to notice) you’re going to make a mental note and look forward to bringing that up with your girlfriends again. This is poison to your marriage. Don’t do it! I know it’s tempting, but just don’t! When a girlfriend does try to start, listen politely, sympathize, and be thankful you have such a wonderful husband. Do not open your mouth against him. Not only do these fests poison your attitude, but what would it do to him if he happened to overhear what you are saying? All I know is that if Trevor overhears what I’m saying, it’s gonna be something I want him to hear. Hurting him just isn’t worth fitting in.

· I know you might hate it, but you have to ask for what you want.

I struggle with this one. I hate asking for what I want. I wish Trevor could read my mind. I think he wishes that too, sometimes. But he can’t. He tries his best, but it just doesn’t happen. I have to speak up! It’s not fair to him when I get mad at what isn’t really his fault.

· Put him first and foremost!

Put him before yourself. Before your family (he’s the one you should cleave unto, remember?). Before your work. Before your car, dog, friends, whatever. Put him first! Make sure he knows it. If you have a problem, ask for his help. Not your friends. Not your moms. His. I know this doesn’t apply to you yet (I hope it will someday, though). But do not sweep him under the rug to tend to the kids. Your first and foremost obligation is to him. I’m not perfect at this (or anything on this list for that matter) and Trevor understands that the kids have urgent needs now, but at the end of the day, leave some time and energy and patience for him. He needs it and he deserves it. Make sure you leave the kids (or for now, work, friends, family) behind and go on a date with him and put him first.

· A happy wife is invaluable.

He’s been with cranky idiots at work all day, but if he knows his wife is waiting for him with a smile and a kiss, he looks forward to getting home all day long. Don’t bombard him right away. Let him relax. Kiss him. Hug him. Tell him you love him. I’ve made it a goal to drop everything when he gets home. If I’m on the phone, I hang up. I stop cooking dinner, setting the table, chasing the kids, whatever I’m doing. I stop and I smile and I kiss him and hug him and make sure he knows he’s welcome and loved in his home. I might only be able to give him two seconds, or maybe 10 minutes, but just to stop and do that little thing is his whole world. Work has drained him. I don’t need to too.

If I’ve had a bad day and need to vent, I just tell him I need to vent when he gets home. That way he’s aware of my needs, but also knows that I think his are important. And when he’s relaxed and unwound, he’s ready and more willing to listen to me vent. Now, there are days where I can’t give anymore. One those days I’ve also found it helpful to call him a few minutes before he gets off or on his way home and tell him I’ve had it and need a break immediately. That way he’s prepared to take the kids or listen to me when he gets home and doesn’t feel suddenly bombarded at the door.

· Nagging does nothing.

I used to nag and nag and nag and then ask “Why isn’t that done yet!?” But I’ve learned and realized that he’s an adult. If I ask politely, and not demand, that something get done, it will. He’ll get to it. Even if it’s not when exactly I wanted it to get done. I need only ask once and then thank him later when it is done. He might need polite reminding once in a while, but trust that he’ll do it and leave him alone. He’s more likely to do it, and do it happily.

· Last, but certainly not least, he needs some good lovin’.

Be his lover. Every day, if possible. It’s good for the body, the soul, and the marriage.